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DISCLAIMER: If you're a selfie lover, just stop now and don't bother reading further. it's just going to make you mad. I wrote this post because I was trying to sort out what it is about incessantly posting "posey, selfies" that gets under my skin. Its a red flag....that's why...as a person who has wrestled down low self-esteem and depression, i see the obession with selfies as a red flag of some dangerous and destructive unaddressed feelings going on within someone. and then when i'm around those people in real time, i feel the emptiness in them and it's frightening because i used to live there....it's a dark world and it never has a happy ending...
I thought i was just being a judgmental asshole hating 'selfie-addicts' but what annoyed me about the behavior is indeed a huge low self-esteem red flag that screams: i am so sick and tired of opening social media to find people constantly posting pictures of themselves that are clearly staged photos of themselves in styled outfits, in posey stances, coiffed and dressed to the nines and that's it....it's a low self-esteem red flag.... being pretty...and particularly having a ton of fake plastic surgery to become "more attractive", fierce hair, fierce style, fierce make-up does not make you a fierce person... it just makes you someone with lots of superficial stuff that will fade by the end of the day, month, year and you'll just have to buy some more to feel fierce...ewwwwww it's low self-esteem in action... i avoid people whose self-esteem in wrapped up in someone complimenting the way they look or their latest outfit... as if all they have to offer the world is how they look.... there's a direct correlation between people who constantly post selfies and people who have nothing of substance to say on social media... i mean, zero... maybe it's the purpose driven capricorn in me who believes everything has to have higher meaning, (i own that fucked up judgemental part of me, so please own your selfie addiciton if this post is pissing you off), but since you have this internet thing and the world is a hot mess drowning in cynicism and the celebration of bad behavior, why would you not use social media to add some grace, some hope, some enlightened conversation, some innocent laughter, some real, transcendantal beauty to the world.. but instead you post "wanna-be movie star photos of yourself" daily (often more than twice a day) and wait for people to compliment you? Really? That's all you got... it just seems really self-involved and vapid....and annoys me to no great end... probably because my experience of folks who are really wrapped up in posing and the obession with how they look is the behavior that comes with that kind of self-involvement. since your worth is coming from something ephemeral (your looks which will change and then fade)...it means the next step is crazy amounts of psychotic plastic surgery as you get older, but your entire sense of self worth comes from the way you look... i mean the same is true of men, women, trans people obsessed with plastic surgery to the point they no longer look human.... your plastic surgery doesn't make you beautiful, a woman, a man, a human being worthy of love...your soul does and the time spent buying parts is time spent hiding from what's truly beautiful about you... mind u, in all of these cases, i am talking about obsessive amounts of plastic surgery, not the basics...the kind of plastic surgery where you impoverish yourself doing it only to look less than human when it's done....it's frightening and becoming normal and no, trans people are not leading the pack here...at least a transperson has a real reason for getting the initial surgery....their identiy...got it... but then when folk get buckwild...i start to thing...hey, being a woman is about a lot more than fake parts that that don't look like human parts....being a woman is about your soul, your energy, what you bring to the world with your vulnerability and woman power...you are a force we need, not a bunch of plastic surgery that takes up all your time being a human so you bring nothing compassionate, wise and beautiful to the table, you just brings lots of plastic surgery.... its so interesting when i meet someone screaming, jumping up and down about the value of women, the importance of their voice, their worth, their humanity from a person with $100K worth of plastic surgery: i'm thinking, uhm, i think you missed the point.... selfie addicts aren't what i would necessarily call destructive narcissists...(those people are really wrapped up in tearing others down), no selfie addicts are dangerously fearful people who delicate bubble of who they are can be shattered by one negative opinion about how they look or if they only got 10 Likes on a photo when last week they got 15. folks like that are carrying a dangerous secret...i hate myself until you tell me i'm worth looking at....and when u hang with those folks...they too, wills start to tear and pick at you if you're self esteem is wrapped up in what you do, what you offer the world in terms of yourself, your ideas, your opinions, your values...in short when you like yourself and feel worthy like you actually have something of value to offer the world, people who don't that way, especially the ones that are close to you, will start to rip and tear at you....they will...it will begin slowly and harmlessly, but you will begin to notice how empty you feel after hanging out with them... when you hang with people of depth, you feel energized when you leave them.... when you hang with people of little depth, you feel exhausted even if you had a few laughs... notice where the laughs came from: usually dissing someone, complaining about something, or being toxic.... these are direct correlations.... those folks are often going to have nothing to engage with you in in conversation and are often in a silent competition with you to look better and dress better and pose better than you... you will rarely see them in a candid, in-the-moment shot of those people just being human: cooking for a loved one, enjoying a long drive, a beautiful photo about a beautiful place that made them feel humbled and glad to be alive....there's rarely just simple, unposed photos of them in the midst of joy...all of the the photos are staged within in an inch of their lives...of them looking perfect...that's sad...i want to see your humanity, not your outfit or photoshop all that outside focus means there's very little internal focus going on and often, i find that emotionally, those folks for the most part have stood still since college or high school....they're filled with fear, self-loathing and the need for people to reassure them they are beautiful and therefore worthy... it makes me incredibly sad for them.... these are the folks often have lots of money, but tons of underdeveloped potential.... they were destined to do something amazing (create a new start up, build a non profit that changed peoples lives, become a prodigy writer, musician, athlete, teacher, thinker ), but instead they're doing something for a living that is so much less than the promise of who they were supposed to be and the selfie is the living testimony of that failure... they fell short of the magic of who they were supposed to become, so all they've got is a fierce outfit, lots of coiffed hair and make-up... "wanna see it and tell me i'm beautiful, tell me i'm worthy, tell me i'm fierce" instead of doing the internal work to actually be a fierce, force of nature.... the time spent prepping for selfies....is the time that they avoid looking within, reconnecting to their dreams and doing the hard work of letting go of the fears that hold them back and step into the greatness they were supposed to be....that's hard work... styling and posing for a selfie is a lot easier.... Selfies Aren’t Always Just a Selfie Kellie E. Branch-Dircks, MSW, LCSW, “Selfies”. A simple word that has become a phenomenon in today’s society. One can buy a “selfie-stick” to get the perfect angle. There are books and blogs on how to get the perfect “pic”. There are people who have become celebrities just because people follow their social media to see their latest “selfie post”. What initially started as a fun act of capturing a picture of oneself without the use of a photographer, has now become behavior that can lead to addiction, narcissism, and even suicide for some. It’s important to think about what these selfies mean to our mental health, especially when it comes to teens, who are often the most frequent “selfie” posters. Clinical psychologist Bart Rossi said, “Today too many people are interested in making a statement about themselves on the internet and creating an influential existence. Selfies, when used to excess show a lack of depth and a shallow personality. If someone is obsessed with taking selfies it is most likely because the individual is self-absorbed and narcissistic.” – elitedaily.com In a different article for Psychology Today, doctor Pamela Rutledge says “that taking selfies can be detrimental to a person’s mental health and that indulging in them is indicative of narcissism, low self esteem, attention seeking behavior and self-indulgence.” For most, selfies are just a fun way to capture a moment in time, but for others, the response they receive from viewers about their picture becomes associated with self-worth. They over evaluate the “likes” or absence of likes, and equate those responses with their value. The more likes they get, the more they post. It the response from viewers equates to a “high” that makes them feel good. They crave that feeling and become more and more obsessed with posting. They start to need that reinforcement similar to an alcoholic or addict need the fix to get through their day. A focus develops for capturing a selfie at every event or the perfect selfie, always seeking to supersede the rush they get when they see someone “likes” them. They become obsessed with their importance to others, interpreting their actions or looks as being as important to others as it is to them. Thus a narcissist, a person obsessed with themselves, is born or amplified. On the reverse, when a selfie is posted and there is no response or even negative responses, the poster internalizes those actions as valid data about their beauty or importance. Some posters respond by becoming obsessed with taking a picture worthy of someone’s approval. The perfect angle, the perfect light, the perfect outfit. They hope to fill a void within that can never be filled from outside sources, therefore never achieving a sense of satisfaction that they strive for. The lack of satisfaction they feel creates a risk, often setting them up for disappointment, depression, and for some, suicide. The selfie obsession is more prevalent among females, but it also seen among males. Society places emphasis on people to be perfect, beautiful, and fit a perceived societal image of “ideal”. Because ideal is in the eye of the beholder, and the concept of appealing to everyone’s ideal is unrealistic, those obsessed with selfies are not able to achieve the sense of satisfaction they hope for, and are constantly looking at and judging themselves based solely on their looks. The reasons for the narcissism, depression, obsession, or other mental health issues are not really the selfies themselves, but rather the selfies are the trigger for underlying issues. Our children are learning to rely on the internet and social media for feedback once received from in-person interactions with others and hard work. So I leave you with this thought – Since research has shown a connection between selfies and mental illness, are we creating a future for our children that inherently increases their risk for mental illness? If so, what are we as parents, professionals, society going to do to prevent that from happening?
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AprilUnPlugged
April Yvette Thompson is a Tony-winning producer, actor, writer, thinker, dreamer in search of beauty, truth, love & flights of serendipitous grace. Archives
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