my sorcerer and me....

i learned from my broken engagement so many things...

i learned that i love wise sorcerers...intuitive, sensitive men who are wise...i love a little stank just a touch of the bad boy...i love men who love family...and who are slightly wild meaning non-confirmists...not hung up on things and rules of behavior...easy going free spirits..

in so many ways, jonathan was all of that for me...he had his quirks...places where he was rigid, but most stuff he was cool with...lifestyle energy was really similar and now i realize how important that is...a stable, but not stuff kind of guy...vulnerable...

when i left for morocco...he could not forgive me...he tried, but he couldnt...he didn't trust anything i said after that and like dana...i left when things got tough...and i didn't give him the chance to fix it, find a solution, work it out...i didn't act like family and it was the beginning of the end...it was clear then that i would leave when things got tough and he couldn't guarantee that they wouldn't....i don't know if we would have made it had i stayed...we might have...but my leaving grew a bridge of distrust with a man who felt abandoned by his mother and every woman since that could not be breeched....

super similar to me losing it over dana going on line to see ok cupid matches...it broke a trust that was already hampered by having a cheaating father...there are certain sacred wounds that we never want repeated...abandonement is one...

it's i love jonathan....there's no getting around that and if he wasn't so mad at me, we could see each other now and sort this out...i even have the chance to stay in Pensacola and see and maybe i just should...you know...maybe i just should...

we have similar wounds that we could work out together...i wish that he would try at least...you know...just try...it makes me sad, but i was learning so much about family and unconditional love from him...and i broke that trust...my leaving and talking to much about myself and my self involvement are scary things to men...shit, if i was looking at me, i'd be scared you'd leave...

its something in me...now...i get it...i run when it gets too hard and i get scared of being left alone...too much of thaat in childhood....i fear that i won't ever meet anyone who isn't damaged in the same exact way...i think that's part of the cycle, so we can finallyheal the wound and give each other what our parents didn't but still love in a familiar way...

i'm saaad....infinitely sad...

i'm sad bec i was truly in love with jonathan for jonathan....

no one else has been like that for me...dana proved to be not a nice person...

jonathan i understood and wanted to grow with him...hell, i even loved fighting with him...i feel like he's the closest thing to perfect for what i need, not necessarily what i thought i want...loving him taught me about my own selfishness and impatience...i cannot get what i'm unwilling to give...

it just aches...i don't feel like dying like with dana...i just feel adrift and incomplete...bec i once had a chance at completeness....