November 22nd, 2018

It's very scary to say this...especially after spending a lifetime working on myself, my life, my goals, my relationship skills, but I just realized, I don't want a husband. 

I don't want to be bothered with one: thinking I'm understanding someone based on who they tell me they are and then having to navigate what they say vs what they do.    I don't want to have a relationship with someone's unacknowledged subconscious bec I work moment to moment on what's going on inside of me and try to give folks the up to date set of things I'm going through   And second: I don't

I want to be happy and not be lonely and have a sense of family, but I don't want to do the work or even understand the work of communicating with men. 

I just realized this recently  because for the last 5 years, since I learned real boundaries, I've actually met good guys that are partner material.  Great human beings even, but I don't understand them: I can count on them as friends and comrades, but anytime an interpersonal emotional thing comes up, the communication stops. 

It's as if I'm present in something emotional happening and I'm trying to communicate what's going on and the more I communicate, the more they stop listening.  And begin to explain to me what women do...but ah, you asked me what's going on and I'm telling you and you're not believing me. 

It's weird bec this comes at a time when I'm distancing myself from long friendships with people I love because there's a similar thing happening: I'm trying to change, grow, operate in new ways, prioritize my wellness, happiness so my interests have changed.  And these long term friends and I spent hours and hours talking about this new place we're at...but then they still continue to operate with the same old behaviors and assumptions about what I'm doing or thinking and it's off, it's wrong. 

And here's the other thing, I'm learning: there are evolved folks who will process and process with you and claim to understand the changes that have to be made to continue growing and they repeat what you say and talk about how they understand, but then they go right back to the same old patterns. 

I'm really tired of it...

I'm really tired of people not operating in the present with me and hearing me and not believing me and operating on assumptions that have nothing to do with who I am and everything to do with who they are...

I'm sorry this is what others have done...but I haven't done that to you and I'm not trying to do that to you...

I'm actually growing and changing and you're not seeing that or the direction you're going is in opposition to that and you're not acknowledging that....well, to acknowledge that, you'd actually have to understand where I've been and where I'm going...and for some people that's just too much effort, they are too busy with the struggle that is life...

well, i'm trying to release the struggle....and that's a different place....so....there it is...