 i recently met a bit of walking magic in the form of a beautiful israeli man.... for the first time, i met someone who i was physically and spiritually connected to....and it felt easy that has NEVER ever happened to me... it was amazing and overwhelming.... and alas the age difference was too much for him... and i'm figuring out how age and fear are related in a person's personality... less fear, more youthful... more fear, more world weary and "old-feeling" my spirit is committed to traveling light strange...i have had that problem in dating men16 or 17 years older than me but for different reasons... they were preparing for retirement and i was preparing to travel the world and have adventures and a goddamn baby...all of which they had zero interest in... so i took a friends advice and dated younger men...and i have to say...perhaps i'm immature, but that energy feels right...it feels in sync with me....10-15 years younger than me was scary at first...but when i met folks, it was easy and fun....they don't have all the problems with female power that older dudes do and all the baggage of a miserable marriage... they also welcome and expect female vulnerability...they know how to handle it...it doesn't make them attack or save...just support... i made choices to keep my life and my light joyful, free and full of adventures...i easily let go of resentments and things that dim my light....so i don't have life regrets that i carry around which is the problem with men older or closer to my age.... so my spirit is about growing, changing, becoming wiser, more joyful, taking risks, being strong and expecting those around me to be strong, clear, vulnerable and brave....someone who truly believes that we're equal and that i'm not too much or intimidating... because that kind of thinking is based in fear...and men who are afraid to take the step who need tons of handwaving encouragement to get up the nerve....always end up resenting me because i'm not afraid...vulnerable, yes, but absolutely fearless....bec when something scares me...that is the guarantee: it means i must do it bec there's something to learn there.... something that will make me fiercer, happier, braver afraid men try to make me smaller in the long run....and well, we all know how that works out...lol it was exhilarating to meet this man whose personality was fearless and tender...for whom gender and race were not even a conversation...(it helps being from a foreign country where there's not all this slavery baggage), i got to be just april... not black april in america and what all that would mean OR "angry-black-woman-i'm-so-afraid-of-you-bullshit that american men, black AND white keep in their back pocket" wasn't there....there werent stupid questions about my natural hair and what it might mean about my politics... cuz, see if you make me the "super, powerful, black woman", then you don't really have to see me and respond to my vulnerability...ur writing me off....and that's so fucked... in this new love affair, there was sensuality, epic arguments about politics and religion and the arguments were exhilarating...finally a man who was not impressed or scared of me being forthright...his attitude was, "i don't understand shy people...they make no sense to me." howlin.... Why would I not be forthright was his expectation? Who wants a scared woman following the "shoulds"? (apparently insecure men...there's therapy for that...i got it...u should too) but rather, a strong, forthright, independent, but vulnerable, thinker, shaker, changer who also knows how to work-the-cuban -woman-in-lingerie cooking the candle light dinner for her alpha male and still be fierce... a partner ready to take on the world with you... be your wingwoman, your firepower and nuturerer and u do the same for her? partnerships that are about saving the other person from themselves are horrific... in my mind.... u should arrive saved and whole and the partnership should be about creating a tribe of awesome storytellers, humanists and warriors of kindness and love.... who make the world better because they're in it... that's what everyone should want...(at least anyone who wants to deal w/me) not a punisher or a complainer driven solely by fear and insecurity.... Me and my love...We spoke the same language in spirit and had bullshit barometers that shared common space.... for once in my whole goddamn life, i didn't have to make someone less scared to be in my presence, or be their teacher or them gushing about how impressive my brain is... and i was actually attracted to him and he was attracted to me and ready to do something about it... what...that NEVER happens to me.... i'm never physically attracted to men who want me back....ever...i'm attracted to their spirit, or their soul...so i deal with the physical...but don't i get to have my special brand of beautiful in the same package AND my emotional match? why the fuck not...everybody else seems to be doing this... i am soooooo sick and tired of fear...AND being asked to settle because i'm too picky... i'm fierce...i worked to get here.... why should i date down? that's not my humanitarian issue.... hungry brown babies, yes.... insecure grown babies unwilling to do their personal work.... that's off mission.... i'm so sick of having to make excuses of why i should continue to go out with this person who i have to encourage or prop up in order to share and go deep with me...that's what i do as a profession....WTF... when i'm dating...if i feel a need to do that, then it's time to stop dating....i wish the fuck somebody wise would show up and handle shit, so i don't have to...so i could let it all go, knowing somebody with some good goddamn sense can handle the shit... (i have friends male and female like that, so i know these badasses exists....wait those are women and gay men...ok.....nevermind...) the angry, powerful, strong black woman trope is a dehumanizing trap that lets people off the hook from really seeing u my friends tell me... "oh, u should just give him a try, encourage him, he's timid, he's scared...." "what...i'm not a teacher or a mother, not in my relationships.... that just sounds like more "strong black woman bullshit".... shit, i have questions, doubts that i need encouragement around...if i'm doing everything, whose got my back? and i believe men are smart and know exactly what they want and how to get it when they want to...i have to believe that because that's the kind of man i need, desire and dream about....so i don't need to mommy them....or get asked out in some passive aggressive bullshit way like: DISCLAIMER: I'm bout to curse out single, married, attached men who stalk me on social media but never ask me out because they think they're not worthy and then tell me about it. Like that's my problem...i'm out here strugglin and you're coming to me with your fear looking for validation? That's fucked up because you're not available anyway...where the fuck is your wife or girlfriend...text her or comment on her thread about this...she signed up for that job, not me. When i get this message, though they might mean it as a compliment, it's really sort of insulting...so keep that shit to yourself....that's your issue, not mine. "If i thought I had a chance with you, I'd have asked you out a long time ago..." But you know what? You didn't! So, why you bringing this up now other than to make something my fault as if there's something wrong with me thinking i deserve the best...if u don't, not my problem...that's your choice... #sooverbeingthegeniushealer Seriously...i get this all the time from men in my past....holding a torch that they never had the courage to light, and their excuse is because of some way I made THEM feel...huh! That's your stuff and i'm handing it back to you... i can't carry anymore of your fear couched in a faulty critiques of me. WTF is that...why are u laying your fear at my doorstep and making your fear my fucking problem...? i would never say that to someone: just checking to see if u think i'm worthy enuf to date because you're so fabulous... whaaaaaa.... that's insecure child shit that u need to see someone about and save yourself.... my parents were children who knew nothing about raising children, so i had to learn how to save me... that's my job... it's ur job to take that rite of passage and get help to transform from a wounded boy into a healed man.... (sorry to be so hard on the torch bearers...but you know what...everytime i give u a chance and date you, you punish me for being secure...you no longer get to do that... i'm not super black woman, i'm a balanced human being who expects her partner to be as compassionate, fiery, daring, vulnerable and joyful as i am.... that's what the 21st century is about, right? everyone dealing with their baggage and committed to their emotional and social development and creating new forms of partnership, marriage and love.... but i feel a deficit of fearlessness....and its so tiring.... i've had all this amazing advice from folks: oh, become the partner u want, stop looking, blah, blah, blah.... and u know what: i have spent 15 years in therapy, yoga, practiced with healers, taking every couples counciling conflict resolutions course, relationship coach, therapists, religious advisors (who were actually stumped...can't find anyone worthy of you) on the planet, been on every dating site imaginable, show up at events where there are eligible men, gone to a matchmaker...bent my spirit backwards and around to become the kind of person I want to attract....i have done the journey of self discovery, unloading baggage and mommy/daddy shit to become more than the people who raised me could ever imagined...clawing my way out of poverty, abuse and neglect to rise and not be crippled by my past.... my life has been like this since i was 13 years old...always different, always trying to be better, always having people 'scared' and i always thought instead of being mad at me, why don't you make getting rid of your fear and anger and becoming a richer human being a priority like i have, then you wouldn't be mad at me for doing what i was put here to do: leave the world a little better than i found it....dayuum the cuts keep getting re-opened by friends one guy friend told me "you emasculate men....and it's intimidating" i'm fb-friends-light with him to this day, but he has no idea how that hurt...none....(and if ur thinking, its you who said that, well, A.S., it is, but u probably don't even realize you laid that bullshit on me...and i've learned that ur friendship was not worth the effort to go there...i let you go in that moment bec ur fear made u devalue me)... as my father would say, "that intimidation routine is some bullshit that is about them and ain't got shit to do with you and don't let anyone tell u otherwise...shit, if the mama ain't fierce, the kids is gone be all fucked up....shit, i want a bitch who aint afraid at my side...that's who raised me" LOL.... i come from women who do that: emasculation number...you know the black mother that turns her sons into her husband...the guilt tripping religious (take your pick fundamentalist christian, muslim, jewish, catholic) mother controlling her sons with fear and threats of abandonment if they do what she says, so they grow up or don't up with all this self-fear, self-loathing and secret resentment towards all women as a result.... Yes, i know emasculatng women and I was raised by them and the damaged sons they create, so that is most definitely not where my spirit lives...i believe in letting grown people be grown people and i only gently hold them accountable for what they promised, nothing more... seems like i get punished for that as well... the angry emasculating black woman routine is something people constantly use to diminish u and abdicate responsibility for seeing u, the individual when ur strong and clear....men who don't feel that way, hold some resentment...or keep u at hands distance...i'm a coach, so i see how this plays out with adult male students....they want to worship the sage, but punish her for being the sage at the same time...aint nobody told ur ass to sign up for this life course....which is why i take on a limited amount of male clients...i don't have the energy, nor the psychiatric wherewithall to coach you and make you feel not intimidated by me at the same time esp when you're hiring me to help u decode the bullshit holding you back.... all that resentment wears me the fuck out....folk holding onto that....u want powerful women to mother you and coach you at the same time and resent them for it....whhhaaaaaaaa another dear friend told me, "oh well, if ur not married by 40, it ain't gonna happen" (and of course, that prophecy came to pass) ....yeah....a close friend cursed me like that and has no idea how deeply that hurt me...we talked about it whatever, but those words can never be taken back... it was a declaration of what he thought of me as a person (difficult, too much, too opinonated, demanding, having high expectations of the people i surround myself which for some reason or other he felt he could not measure up to...but he could, he just didn't believe it or want to do the work...i can no longer entertain people like that...i can't do their heavy lifting)... it was a reflection of him feeling overwhelmed by my mentoring him, but, uhm, he signed up for for the mentoring role...i was supposed to be his teacher, his employer...that didn't stop him from lashing out in the place where he knew he could hurt me the most...well, because i had made myself vulnerable to him as a friend.... i love him... but i will never trust him with my fear, my vulnerability again. i will never trust him to be strong for me when i can't be strong for myself....and that makes me sad.... from him, i learned that when someone is afraid of you, they make something wrong with you... i'm tired....and figuring this shit out as i go... more to come... but today, i'm just sad... too old for younger men, too young for men my age....WTF.... i'm tired...weary, disappointed...and leaving the country in 2 weeks... and u know what, i have at least 4 dates lined up in the next two weeks... u know keeping movement in the field...staying open to possibility...blah, blah, blah.... but i think i'm cancelling them... i don't need it....i don't need to love u and then be wholly dissappointed that you're not badass enuf to see what we could be.... i also dont' want to be less to make anyone uncomfortable... for now...i just want my own company...cuz i like her a lot...she had good taste in music, wine and books and she makes me laugh like crazy... i'm committed to spending time with her right now... then travel the world for a bit.... love, light ache y luz #figuringthisshitout #loveandloss #braveryandfear #relationships #thedream #dreamingoutloud #lifepartner #fierce #truthwarrior #vulnerability #inspiration #lookingformiracles #womeninlove #youngermenolderwomen #datinginternationally #strongblackwoman #angryblackwoman #strongangryscaryblackwomanbullshit #boxes #diminishingmyspirit #cussin
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AprilUnPlugged
April Yvette Thompson is a Tony-winning producer, actor, writer, thinker, dreamer in search of beauty, truth, love & flights of serendipitous grace. Archives
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