stating ur feelings

ahamoment....i'm experiencing a chronic sort of ambivalence (meaning i like you a lot, no clue what to do about it) from men because they assume i'm not interested....

i need to be more present and verbal about my feelings....(an ex told me this a long time ago and i wanted to slap him...i now apologize profusely)

he said:

"u express yourself physically but not verbally...
we like to know we're loved,
making you happy, hot, hopeful...whatever....etc....

i'm just beginning to understand this means like giving a running commentary on how i'm feeling instead of just assuming:

"hey i cooked u dinner,
i'm sitting here witchu instead of reading a book
that means i like you a hella lot....."

ok...i'm really good at writing that shit down...saying it is another matter all together...

perhaps because i feel like when i say it, i'm not believed....

which i don't understand....i am a person of my word...i don't say shit unless i absolutely mean it....even the small shit, like i'll call you later...if i say i'm going to do it, i'm absolutely going to do it...

i'm realizing that other folks often say shit with the intent to follow up but get sidetracked...and i (rightly or wrongly) experience that as flaky, scattered, an unreliable place to look for someone who will show up for me...

so i try very hard to say what i mean and follow through, otherwise, i never say the shit...pretty hardcore ghetto hippie child recovery tactics that while protective don't always mean reality...

that said...since I do that...i assume others know that i mean what i say and intend to follow through and only need to say it one time....i have to make it clear what my word means to me and to them...it means the world...

by the same token, whatever a man or friend says to me, i'm holding them to that like a rock...i also need to make that clear....not showing up for me is a deal breaker cuz i break my neck to show up for folks if i say i'm going to....

not everyone does that cuz life isn't always the bills are paid and there's food on the table or the lights are off and tomorrow we die for most people....howlin....just ghetto hippie children....

hmmm....figuring this shit out....