 that moment when someone from your past deeply remembers you…who you were, what you stand for, your most powerfully vulnerable moments, where u had the courage to love and stand by it..and you thought, i’m living in this vacuum of my life longing for deep connections but unable to find them.
u look up and go…wow, u remember that? those moments that changed you and u felt that u were the only one experiencing that; only to learn what u felt was real, valid and worthy…and not just the wilding out of youth… when people remind u how authentic you are in word and deed…for someone who always feels alone in being understood; it’s quite an epic feeling… like i make deep connection maybe once every 7 or 8 years…most are simply a moment… i’m a leaver…when things dissappoint, i don’t wallow in my disappointment. i simply implement an escape plan that feels like driving in my beetle with the top down into the mountains. i often think i’m avoidant…as did one of my doctors…i’ve come to realize that since I was about 6, if a place or thing made me feel less than or uncomfortable or quietly ammoral, i leave. i ran away from home at 14 and never looked back. no one really knows that i was working out my own after school special well into my 30s. but in my heart the only thing that remained of “home” was my desire to get the kind of love I needed from people unable to give it when people are lying to me or not accepting responsibility for their actions, that little girl always knows the path out. even when i didnt have a good life, i always knew i deserved one. That’s not avoidant, that’s being brave enough to only accept what you require… So, given that reality about how I align my actions and choices with the values I hold most dear; it’s an unusual thing to deeply connect with people. To have your after school special witnessed and understood. That’s epic…. I am clear that when you show up as your complete, juicy, beautifully flawed self, you find resonance. So when you’re sent a message from the stratosphere that uv been remembered. With meticulous detail about the life and times you led, it’s earth shattering because you thought u lived that journey outloud in the forrest where no one but the trees stood witness. It’s good to know that someone who meant so much to you, realizes just how much you meant to them. I’ve got a diabolical track record of times I wasn’t my best self and I know plenty folks remember that. But I also have a gorgeous track record of moments I stood up as my most daring, bravely vulnerable self because it was what my life and the world needed at that moment. and only a few remember what those moments were or what they cost you…and as i transition into my desert sage self, i’ve been writing from a place of my deepest self. And out of nowhere, the universe throws you a lifeline, it’s deeply gratifying and healing. To find home with someone and talk out your grief, rage and wallow in the kind of laughter that closes the bar …that is some good shit. When u share from a deep place, the universe does indeed respond. -AprilYvetteThompson
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