In Rori Raye's (datingcoach and author of 'Have The Relationship You Want') workbook and online program she explains the concept of FEELING MESSAGES as a primary tool to attract and keep the love you want. So, what is this all about these 'feeling messages'?
THE HAPPINESS COMPLEX
From a very early age on we have learned to hide and stuff away the feelings that would lead to rejection or disapproval from our care givers. Alice Miller wrote an excellent book about this process of repression and its consequences in her famous book 'The Drama of the Gifted Child.' We walk around with little time bombs inside. These repressed feelings (anger, sadness, disappointment, resentment, jealousy....etc) come back in our lives through an array of neurotic behaviors and subconscious decision making that we are so often unaware of. Specially in the Western World where we now more then ever suffer from the "Happiness Complex". We gotta be happy, all the time...and what if! Simply said: we are afraid to feel. We are collectively terrified to feel. No wonder we juggle and struggle with all kinds of suppressant addictions from drugs, alcohol to gambling or internet. And in stead of feeling out the emotions that come and go through us during our lives, we became excellent concealers. And Depression our number one Mental Health problem.
The YIN/YANG of communication.
Its quite a journey to see through the depth of your own feelings, Imagine what happens when a man and a woman come together. WHOA! Its not for nothing that the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' became such a bestseller. We all collectively crave connection, but we are often lost for words how to.
From a female and male energy perspective: historically men are hard wired to think, to fix, to resolve, to give, to do, to make, to provide. But no, they are not wired to express or share their feelings. They have been taught that showing emotions is a sign of weakness. So here is the scoop: men crave that part!!! Men need their women to be able to connect with their feelings so he can finally connect with his! Can you believe that? He actually needs you. And how do we accomplish that? Just by being in touch with our own feelings! Showing our men that we are comfortable with WHATEVER comes up in us. We do not run away or conceal what is. We do not adhere negative or positive judgements to any feelings. They are nor good or bad, they just are. When a woman is in tune with her feelings and she is able to communicate these in a non blaming and non criticizing way, she instantly raising HIS level of ATTRACTION to her and she is totally within her power. This is HUGE.
Being authentic with your feelings pays off, big time. It saves marriages. It facilitates the start of romance. It keeps you bonded and connected. And yes, this is your duty, ladies. You become the spiritual leader in your relationship. You guide your men to a safe harbor where he feels safe with you, no matter how goofy or silly, sad or mad he feels. He will know that you can handle it. That's beyond attractive, he will ONLY want to be with you. No kidding. Lets have a look at your new toolbox.
THE NUMBER ONE REQUIREMENT: BE BLAME/CRITICISM FREE IN YOUR COMMUNICATION.
Doesn't that sound weird? How are you going to tell your beloved one that you feel angry, pissed off, sad, anxious or jealous etc, in a way that he does not feel criticized or blamed? Its actually not that difficult, it just takes mindfulness and practice.
For example, how do you tell him that you feel vulnerable when you have had sex for the first time and you haven’t established the terms of exclusivity yet? How do you tell him you feel jealous when he has lunch with his ex girlfriend? How do you tell him that you feel unseen when he starts seeing you less and less? Or when you want more sex? Or more affection?
Its here where Rori Raye's famous scripts come in.
"You can hide your feelings, but you can never hide the vibration that come forth out of these feelings." - Rori Raye
In Rori Raye’s online coaching program she explains this into detail and in scripted form. First of all, you ask your partner if he has time for you to see you. Me, myself, I prefer not to say ‘I want to talk’, because the word comes often along with such a heavy vibe. I personally rather say:
‘Hi….(fill in), how are you? Do you have some time today (fill in) for us to come together. I would love to share something with you.’
If he responds positively, you then know that you have his undivided time and attention and you didn’t come up with your emotions in a moment that he is unable to really hear you. Because, that is what you deserve, after all! (You are a QUEEN, you are the PRICE, remember?).
So, once you get together, you can say: you know (fill in name), I just wanted to share that when (….X…) happened the other day, I felt (…..). I became aware that it doesn’t really work for me. What do you think? Is there any way you think we could do this differently?
In this script, you can use the words: sad, mad, icky, weird, uncomfortable, happy, silly, etc. Please, don’t forget that FEELING MESSAGES also work in situations that make you happy. Men love to be reminded what makes you happy. ‘Honey, I feel so good when I hear your voice. Its so much better than texting.’ And, ‘when we had sex last night I felt so turned on honey, I would feel so good to experience that more often.’
Emotions are physical. They really are. When you are in situation with your man, try to become aware how you feel. How you really feel? Isn’t it crazy scary to exactly tell your man how you feel? Don’t we all think he doesn’t want to hear any of it? That he will walk out? Be turned off? Its just the opposite!!! Nothing could be less true.
A man will feel turned off by his woman when she is clearly and obviously uncomfortable with her own feelings. You might not tell him anything, but he will sense your vibe. He will know that something is going on and it will only make him withdraw from you and become cold(er).
Watch out though! If a man is emotionally unavailable to you and he is not able to receive your state of full being, he might react defensive and reactive, rather than responsive. You then know that you are dealing with a boy and not a man.
You then have a choice to make: do I want to date a boy?
A man cherishing your feelings, caring, protecting and providing for your needs means the ultimate use of his masculine energy. Real men LOVE to do this and CRAVE this as much as you do. But you must invite him.
BE AN INVITATION, ladies. Be authentic. Know your feelings and experiment with your new tool. Be his JUICE so your bond becomes unbreakable.
--Alexandra Indaco-Heredia, The Goddess Circle
is a Tony-winning producer/writer/actor & CEO of TheDreamUnLocked: Boutique Coaching for Actors, Writers & Dreamers