Learn How to Listen to Your Partner

We had our 1st fight yesterday


This woman is the most amazingly beautiful creature I've ever met. She is strong & vulnerable. The most inspirational leader & supportive partner


She makes me want to be the husband she thinks I am


We met online


I wasn't looking for a wife, she certainly didn't want a husband


Neither of us were expecting the other to be soul mate material


We thought certainly our differences in beliefs abt spiritual or political issues to be the wedges that pushed us apart. It was the subject of our 1st fight


Heated arguments rarely accomplish anything. We're both fire types. Trying to reassert our points did nothing to help. We have a tendency to speak louder when we aren't feeling heard. What we should've done, was listen


Had we listened, we would've understood each other better. It would've been a better learning experience. The goal is to learn and love one another, that takes listening & understanding


It means setting aside our personal beliefs long enough to understand the other's, & accepting it as part of who they are. Whether or not we agree is irrelevant. What is relevant, is can we love the other person despite the differences


Arguments are less abt who's right & who's wrong, more abt "I'm not being heard"


It reminds me of a story my German teacher told the class some 30 years ago


An American was in Germany & went to a magazine kiosk to buy stamps, but didn't speak German


“U got any stamps?"


The man behind the kiosk didn't speak English & just looked back w/a blank stare


"Do u have any stamps?"


He said again


Blank stare


"DO YOU SELL STAMPS?!" as if saying it louder would break the language barrier


That's how most people argue… As if reiterating their points at a louder volume will break the language barrier. It doesn't.


Just like that American needed different language skills to get his point across, we need different skills to settle disagreements more quickly & amicably.


Listen.


Please, for the sake of ur relationship, learn how to listen


It means STOP TALKING
LISTEN to what ur partner is saying, understand that 1st, so u can CLARIFY what isn't being said


Ur partner has a point.


Whether or not U agree is, again, irrelevant.


What's their point?
Why is it important?


W/communication, the speaker will use those words that have deep emotional connection to their experience.


It is bec of their experience that their words may or may not have the same meaning as urs. This is why it's important to use their words to restate their point.


Once u understand ur partner, then & only then, should u state ur point. I highly recommend doing so calmly. A soft answer will always turn wrath away. If ur partner doesn't understand, explain; w/out getting frustrated.


Remember, saying it louder doesn't break the language barrier.


Jon Newton,
TheRapportCoach


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