life progress jealousy is a some really interesting shit. i'm still working through it on my own. really it's just a form of anger turned in on itself slowing u down from where ur really supposed to be, but in denial about the need to redefine what happiness and success are for urself.
i've noticed that jealousy between men and women is different than jealousy between women and women. with women, we form these fictions about each other and then undercut each other, often viciously. and we keep tags on where we each are in the race.
eventually, this contest blows up in our faces and we openly begin to express our animosity. finally, the two part ways knowing this won't work for whatever reason and avoid each other. women get it out and done with and usually don't try to address what's underneath.
men and women's jealousy and resentment seem to be a different matter all together. i feel like men deal with it by trying to reason their way around it, to be above the feeling bec it makes them feel small to be jealous which i totally get. but the denial creates a kind of seething resentment towards the woman in question. bec it's never acknowledged, that resentment just lives there under the surface and like a drag show gone wrong, this resentment becomes a performance. it lives in sarcasm, name-calling in "jest", problem solving and advice that makes the woman feel less than. it becomes words like "bitch" and "cunt" or a relentless vicious joking cycle. instead of just acknowledging the feelings, it creates this vortex that is no good for anyone. both the man and woman in question feel it, but since it's never named, it cannot be unwound. because to unwind it, the man must acknowledge his feelings and that's not likely to happen. the kind of vulnerability required to say,
"i feel less than or a dissappointment when i'm around u"
is tough stuff indeed, so men and women wade in this quagmire for years in friendships, marriages, familial relationships (it operates in similar ways in each relationship.) i've noticed that the deeper the love and admiration, the deeper and more complicated the rage-fueled resentment grows. it's difficult to navigate when it's unacknowledged. and since it's not the job of the person on the receiving end to address initially, it remains a stuck place.
in the past, i've said nothing because i couldn't put my finger on it. but i love deep friendships where the subconscious is not having it's own party that i'm not invited to. when the subconscious is made conscious, the quality of a connection is profound. the resentment, shame and anger are places that i have vigorously sorted out in my life bec they were making me depressed, suicidal and exhausted. so when that kind of unaddressed subconscious darkness is tossed my way, i head to the other side of the road. it's far too difficult to keep ahead of my own darkness while also navigating someone else's at the same time.
thinking, growing and learning outloud..
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is a Tony-winning producer/writer/actor & CEO of TheDreamUnLocked: Boutique Coaching for Actors, Writers & Dreamers